How to stop feeling “annoyed” in your relationship
Listen- we’re all annoying in one way or another. But it becomes increasingly evident how annoying your partner is the longer you’ve been with them. Spoiler: they might be feeling the same way! While it’s natural to lose the honeymoon sparkle of “everything you do is cute” and start experiencing more “are you kidding me? Why did you leave your plate by the sink instead of in it?!” It's also pivotal to your relationship health and happiness to put some extra effort into building back a positive perspective. As a couples therapist trained in the Gottman Method, I'm here to guide you through practical skills and strategies that can foster deeper understanding, appreciation, humor and connection in your relationship.
The Gottman approach emphasizes the importance of building a strong foundation of positivity and trust, which forms the bedrock of resilient relationships. Let's dive into how you can cultivate a positive perspective towards your partner using Gottman-inspired principles and techniques.
Understanding the Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is grounded in decades of research on what makes relationships succeed or fail. At its core, it focuses on enhancing friendship, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. Central to this approach is the concept of the "Sound Relationship House," where each floor represents essential components of a healthy relationship, including trust, commitment, and intimacy.
What is a Positive Perspective
Your partner asks you “Is the dishwasher clean or dirty?”. What do you hear? If you’re in a “negative perspective”, your internal voice might say: “Oh great, they’re mad I didn’t do the dishes and now they’re about to blame me for the mess in the sink. This will probably start a fight.” When couples interpret all messages, even neutral or positive ones, as a negative statement, you’re in a negative perspective. A positive perspective is the opposite. You’re more likely to see your partner with grace, and thus, interpret their behaviors and messages as neutral or positive. Taking the previous example, your response may be: “Oh, it's clean! Do you want some help emptying it?”.
Cultivating a Positive Perspective
1. Nurture Fondness and Admiration
Begin by reflecting on your partner's positive qualities and strengths. Take time to appreciate their kindness, humor, resilience, or any traits that you admire.
Express your admiration genuinely and frequently. Let your partner know what you value and admire about them, both verbally and through thoughtful gestures.
2. Turn Towards Each Other
Small moments of connection matter. Practice turning towards your partner's bids for attention, affection, or support throughout your day.
Actively listen to your partner with genuine interest and empathy. Validate their feelings and experiences to strengthen emotional intimacy.
3. Build Love Maps
Deepen your understanding of each other by continuously updating your "Love Maps" — your knowledge of your partner's inner world, dreams, and aspirations.
Ask open-ended questions to explore your partner's thoughts, feelings, and goals. Show curiosity and attentiveness to nurture a deeper connection.
4. Manage Conflict Positively
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you manage it matters. Practice Gottman's principles of "softening startup," "repair attempts," and "accepting influence."
Approach disagreements with a mindset of understanding and compromise. Seek solutions that honor both partners' needs and perspectives.
Gottman-Inspired Skills and Techniques
1. Express Appreciation and Gratitude
Take time each day to express gratitude for your partner's presence in your life. Acknowledge their efforts, big or small, that contribute to your shared happiness.
Write love notes, send thoughtful texts, or verbally affirm your appreciation. Genuine expressions of gratitude strengthen emotional bonds.
2. Celebrate Each Other's Achievements
Celebrate milestones, achievements, and successes together. Share in each other's joys and accomplishments to cultivate a supportive and encouraging environment.
Acknowledge the effort and dedication behind your partner's accomplishments. Celebrating together fosters a sense of shared pride and unity.
3. Create Shared Rituals and Meaningful Moments
Establish rituals of connection that hold special meaning for both of you. It could be a weekly date night, morning coffee together, or a monthly adventure.
Prioritize quality time spent together. Create opportunities for shared experiences that deepen your bond and create lasting memories.
4. Practice Positive Regard
Approach interactions with your partner from a place of goodwill and positive regard. Assume the best intentions and approach misunderstandings with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Foster an atmosphere of emotional safety and acceptance where both partners feel valued and respected.
Integrating Gottman Principles into Daily Life
1. Consistent Check-ins
Schedule regular check-ins to discuss how each of you is feeling about the relationship. Use this time to share appreciations, concerns, and desires openly.
Practice active listening and empathetic responding during these conversations to deepen mutual understanding and connection.
2. Reflect and Adjust
Reflect on your interactions and experiences together. Identify areas where you can enhance positivity, communication, or emotional support.
Be willing to adjust your behaviors and responses based on what strengthens your connection and promotes a positive atmosphere in your relationship.
3. Seek Support When Needed
If challenges arise that feel overwhelming or difficult to navigate alone, consider seeking support from a couples therapist.
Therapy can provide additional tools, insights, and guidance tailored to your specific relationship dynamics and goals.
You aren’t alone
Building a positive perspective towards your partner is a journey that requires intention, effort, and a commitment to nurturing your relationship. By incorporating Gottman-inspired principles such as nurturing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, and managing conflict constructively, you can strengthen your emotional bond and create a supportive, fulfilling partnership. If you find that you’re stuck, I can help you! Remember, every small gesture of appreciation and kindness contributes to the thriving of your relationship's "Sound Relationship House." Embrace these principles, celebrate your strengths as a couple, and cultivate a lasting foundation of love and connection.
